once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
