Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
