I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
