it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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