I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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