Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
