the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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