considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
