He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
