so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am available for nakedness
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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