hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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I just found puke in my bra..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
porn star boner night. come get it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
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Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.