Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
