After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
