I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize