so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i love accidental penises.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
