So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
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we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
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I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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