you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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