Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So much rum. So many feels.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
