Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
