Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
