When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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