M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
