Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
