Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Randomize
