i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
