so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
