so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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