he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I want to be your penis for a week.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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