can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
