Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
