just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
