I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
