can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
