pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
