We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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