I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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