Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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