and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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