Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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