just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
