Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
