and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
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Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.