She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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