i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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