I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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