the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
