I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
