captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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