Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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