and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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