no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
