Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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