i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
