dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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