Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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