4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
