Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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