the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
