Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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