I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
