I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
