I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
