We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
