Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize