I can text with my tongue
I wish I only lived at night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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