There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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