Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
