his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
